Family as a System -Class notes, Fall, 2006

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Class 23/10/06

What SW do: Give people autonomous functioning of person, group and community w/o using force

-force is only in court

Chonech – is the word used – not patient, because he wants to be there

Reaching out: in cases when patient is unable or unwilling

Pkidat saad- course who has learnt the course on the law – can use force in certain cases

In 77, Bituach leumi took over the welfare role. Now SW only deals w/ well-being of individual.

-either by joining people and services they are eligible

-appeasement

-give person an internal locus of control

àmany welfare people wait for others to help them out in life – don’t take enough responsibility over their own lives

-sometimes you have ind. work –individualistic SW

other times you have group therapy/assignment groups àeasier to deal with some issues this way àthis is kewutzati

-deal with community needs (i.e. fixing a neighborhood

-has to deal w/ budgets, politics, etc…

-kehilati SW

This is the Format that SW work with:

1. Stated Problem
2. Orientation we change the orientation of person: he didn’t trash you, he trashed the relationshipàstop the person’s devaluation
1. Learning: Ask Questions fill in details for the therapist
3. Diagnosis: what is the latent problem
1. Prognosis: what is the chance of fixing. What is reasonable time-schedule
4. planning: îèøåú: general direction of change: lady won’t be OCD éòãéí: specific measures: lady doesn’t shower more than once (there are ST and LT éòãéí
5. äôòìä åéùåí
6. evaluation

note

-there are 6 here but the lecture in another class, (6/11/06) the teacher spoke about 4

-1978 – Sa’ad office b/w Revacha office

value: the overriding principle. It is meant to keep society. It organizes it. We can predict reality - marco

norm: - the micro – the acting out of the values

Target: - what I want to do – i.e. the family will be more together

Destination: how I measure it – the women cleans less (i.e. less OCD) – operationals definition

-BTL gives the grants, even though social services might decide who gets it.

-goes together with the fact that SW are more “therapy” and less social services bound. – they might “only” be agents at times of social services and the BTL’s payment mechanism

-cognitive approaches: might treat cognitive structures of whatever is bothering us

epictatus: was a roman philosopher

Behaviorist

-Stimulus—àresponse

Cognitive

-Stimulus------ORGANISM-------response

àorganism affected by interpretation before responding

Existentialist approach

Victor frankel: man searches for meaning

àLogotherapy article written based on this some 20 years ago

-its idea- a person who has a purpose will find a way

What/How?

Frankel has 5 stages:

1. who are you?à we judge ourselves harshly –give more weight to the bad
2. what is unique about you?-in adolescence, this develops, and that is why they stress it.
3. Choose what you’re gonna do about it? If you have a same target, change alternatives so if one doesn’t work, then try another thing
4. Responsibility! If something worked, find out why. And if something failed, find out why and improve it
5. Hitalut Atzmit: after you have taken responsibility about yourself, you can worry about others

Central alues of social work

1. We try to avoid unnecessary dependency of patient on us àwe don’t do for the patient, but rather with him
2. We urge the client’s decision making and try to avoid unnecessary forcing him
3. Secrecy of the treatment
4. Avoid being judgmental (conflict w/I the field because this is hard)

àespecially when the issue is negative

attitude

1. Cognition – here is where we work at when person comes to us floodedly
2. affect
3. Behavior

-we need empathy and not sympathy when strengthening patients’ cognitions when he is flooded, emotionally

Empathy – understanding others’ feelings

Sympathy – getting into his feelings

6/11/6

Topics of the course

1. what is family through the system
2. how do we choose partner?
3. Communication vs. assertiveness w/I the family [important for improvement of family]
4. Family roles and families in trouble
5. Violence [if there is time]
6. Family and the disabled
7. The dysfunctional family
8. Divorce [if we have time]

what is a family?

-How society defines family within a time/place/culture context

àWe need to know who we’re dealing with and what the informal resources are

-we can not assume that our definition of family is the Israeli family b/c there are also many w/I Israel (also in US) ài.e that’s why in some places in US you have same-sex marriages, while in other places it is not accepted. Each society might have many internal differences, but even in a pluralistic society where there is so much variance, there is a common platform

-there is a new trend of single-mom by choice

-society does his to make order. To know how to see the people. Usually there is a ritual saying: now there a new social structure

Different kids of family definitions

-later, we’ll define a family as a system, but there is a huge variance.

àin this discussion, we don’t care about what the family is (single-sex/single mom/etc…) what we do care about is that there is a system happening here!

-the family is the primary frame of reference for the person. Its function is to give answer to the growing needs of the individual. Its supposed to fulfill 3 needs of the individual:

1. Physiological – place to sleep/eat
2. social –education/socialization(portman: there is a physiological birth but there is also a social womb – there is social maturation b/f he leaves for independence)
3. psychological/emotional – feeling of love/belongingness/support/identity

-those 3 factors are important and intrinsic for development

àthose factors are important for everyone in the family. I.e. father also needs physiological/social/psychological needs which he gets in the family

-identity is something we get in the family. It is constant yet is open for change

-bergman: there is the middle path in giving vs. chocking

quality of life:

brown & brown, 2004 ask 10,000 what is most importsnt for their happiness:

-they define several measures which tell us h.m. family and its individuals are satisfied with their family life

1. having kids (+raising them according to their values)

note: individuals, even within the same family might have diff. values fir each measure. (i.e. father wants 3 kids while wife wants 10)

-problem: if parent figure changed value during lifetime (and some parents change to various degrees –i.e. parents b/c religious but dad still smokes!?!)!!! Kid might be confused!

2. health- if there is a chronic disease, quality of life is reduced in all of family
3. achievements: the family tries to empower its individual. it gives the individual dreams/goals
4. unification of family (lechidut) - families wanna do things together (yet need a balance b/w private time and family time àjust to have fun is also important à’being’
5. community life: family doesn’t wanna be alone as a family – needs family-extrafamily social life
6. support/empathy – if family is supportive, quality of life increases
7. cultural involvement- i.e. together for Yom Haatzmaut
8. to deream/yet to be involved in power resources- i.e. live near dr, etc….

àalso community support àhelps individuals and try to avoids people falling

9. economic/social/emotional stability – we’ll call it balance b/w them
10. values of ind. and family infl. quality of life esthetics might be important to some and avoiding overdraft will be a value of others. You might have conflict when 2 family members have different values
11. seeing the wellbeing of the ind. and family – revacha kiyumit

-you have work that you enjoy

-emotional wellbeing

-material wellbeing

-health wellbeing

-no discrimination

-spiritual/communal wellbeing

in sum:

all of those ‘quality of life’ factors can help us see how the family works, and how conflicts w/I family and w/I individual work

àgotta see the system and its quality of life expectations of the individual within the system

Class 13/11/2006

-family system is supposed to support each other physically/emotionally/culturally

family as a system

-we need a definition/model of family so we can analyze it

àso that we can see functioning and see if/how we need to treat

-taken from natural sciences

rules

1. every system has a purpose – w/o it, it won’t survive

-the purpose is necessary for survival

purposes in nature-in animals – physical needs/some animals have social organization

àwe can learn from them to humans

2. “Fuel” – the system has needs/processes/outputs

-energy goes in, there is a process, and then there is an output

Maslow, there are 5 steps

Hierarchy of needs: needs ascending from basic biological needs to more complex psychological motivations that only b/c important once the more basic needs have been satisfied.

-each step:

1. takes energy
2. process
3. outputs products

physical: I eat, I digest and then I have energy

safety:

Erikson: if a person satisfied his development needs, he moves on (vs. fixation

-the earlier the fixation, the more damaged personality

-basic trust – if I have a constant, helping object, it helps me dev. basic trust, and I will be more trusting of others as an adult

àit has process-factor influence which influence the final result – trusting adults

etc…

3) boundaries

-the boundaries are also psychological

-everyone has boundaries – things that I won’t do and won’t have done to me

-there are boundaries b/w parents and kids

-sometimes, there is a boundary b/w the husband/wife

-boundaries are ever-changing/negotiated w/ time

-when we gave the kids rights, we forgot that parent’s rights are negated

-there is an increase in quality of life. Parents might say – I’ll give the kids what I never had àkids never learn to deal with reality for themselves

-American kid welfare: I’ll add $. If you also make $

-in family/b/w families/society, there are boundaries

4. there are subsystems in the family

-and the subsystems get organized i.e. boundary b/w parents/kids subsystem

-when parents have their subsystems, they have something in common (despite each one of them having their own life)

dyads: a 2 person relationship

-pathological when borders are crossed

-for example when kid is used against the other parent

by the way:

there is an interaction: more dirty separation b/w parents and younger the kid is, the more pathology in kids

5) sub-system interaction:

-one system influences the other:

-dad in unemployed/kid is sick, it influences every system

àgot to reorganize

peretz/pasternack: study about how kids function in school after problem at home

-b/c more passive deviant (wondering in class)

-b/c more hyper

-b/c good student

-stays the same

àif something changes in kids b/h, I know for sure that something is wrong

borders:

-there is a spectrum of borders from rigid ↔ diffuse

Menuchin: family is a sociocultural entity. As society changes, so does family. Family members also develop!

àfamily must adapt! ‘transitions’-i.e. marriage/birth/divorce/schooling/kids growing up and leaving

for healthy adaptation

-family must have flexible borders, yet have a backbone

example of flexibility:

-1^st born kid, spouse system b/c parents system

ànew boundaries will be set

-grandmother wants to be over in involved, so instead of canceling her, the new-parents give medium answer

• boundaries too rigid: can’t help when help is necessary
• boundaries too enmeshed: won’t allow autonomy

families want to be balanced

-with life, there are always changesàchanges in status quo needs re-adaptation

-since there is no homeostatic, since life changes every second àmorpheostasis (always growing) is too much, and keeping rigid is also not working

-dynamic homeostasis: somewhere in the middle b/w rigid and enmeshed

minuchin: in order to maintain balance in light of change, the system needs 3 stages:

adaptation components:

1. acceptance – accepting the reality of changes that are going on (if we wont accept it, then we’ll never bother adapting)
2. learning the new roles: i.e. support more/b/c a parent/less a spouse
3. preparing for the future: i.e. if you have a kid who is just born, you know that in 20 years, he’d might wanna learn

Class of 20/11/06

Genogram: concept taken from the health world (seeing what the health risk is for a person by mapping out his family tree). In the context of family system, it is a graph of family relationships that create the family system

Some basic concepts to help us map the family and decide on ways to intervene:

• intergenerational crossing: pathological situation where there is an intergenerational coalition, which undermines the parental authority
1. portman: there is a biological birth but also a social birth (after nurturing w/I the family). Parents are supposed to be authoritative (not authoritarian) -authority is important for socialization of child. child has to learn to accept authority. Separation b/w parent and child is important preparation for adaptation and social roles
2. double bind: the child is trapped b/w opposing interests (happens often in divorce, when opposing parents give opposite messages)

• intergenerational transference: behavioral patterns repeat in following generations (could be unconscious). Some b/h are genetic, and some are internalized and copied. Kids b/c like their parents (i.e. a calm husband, but the wife had a explosive father, so the wife will bother the fuck out of the husband until he, too is explosive
• transfer/transaction (haavara): when couple transfer roles to each other. (i.e. husband wants to be child, and wife treats him like a mom.) a pathological transference might be if instead of communicating directly, we get (hint) at another figure in the family to be angry (communicate) for us
1. integrated pathology: if one side in family had unprocessed processes, then he transfers to another figure to be agent of that unfinished process. I.e. black sheep: if there is tension b/w the parents, the black sheep is hinted to become the pathological agent, which is meant to take their minds off the fight and maintain the family. The conflict is transferred from the parents to the kid. The kid senses the tensions and sees that if he acts them out, it mitigates them. Everyone now have solidarity (around the black sheep!) the black sheep is the identified patient. Another example – when mom is depressed, the kids do the bedwetting – they regress for her.
• deals: w/I the family system. A give-and-take b/w 2 sides, which infl. b/h w/I the system. For example – kid b/h in a way that will appease dad (so dad does what kid wants. Or wife cooks and husband gives positive feedback (flowers) so the deal is made and the b/h is continued

back to genograms:

-drawing out the relationships in the extended family

│- relationship

║ -strong bond

║│-extremely strong bond (triple line)

┼ - breach in relationship

▲- pregnancy

□ male

○ –female

x – spontaneous abortion

● –intentional abortion

-death – note the year

-zigzag line = tension-filled relationship

Class, 27/11/06

Today's topic: finding a partner

Olson: 3 things that help family deal with stresses

3 components in which you can characterize functional operation of family

1) communication: assertiveness

2) solidarity people support each other w/I the family

3) adaptation: (from menuchin:) acceptance/roles/future

àothers speak of immunity instead of adaptation, bu this is same idea

And now to our topic of choosing partner.

-not always was partner chosen.

-the idea of love is re complex. Not always way love most important (i.e. honor killing/romeo&Juliet/etc…

-the way that partnership/spousal way of communication will dictate how family will look later on. (i.e. parental vs. kids subsystems) – this lays the infrastructure for future of family

Question: why do we need partners?

-we expect partnership will give us physical level of maslow, but also love, esteem and self actualization

Freud: we have unfinished business with our mom about not letting us continue the intimacy that we had as infants. So we look for other sex partners. In the latency period, the kid's oedipal conflict and it's resolution is repressed since he's focused on other tasks. But the resolution of the oedipal conflict of giving in to dad somehow, is un fully satisfactory now! In adolescence, this resolution comes up and we try at a better solution.

àFreud thought that love is a obsessive neurosis.

Erik Fromm: we need to love ourselves in order to love others. Someone with low SE looks for 2^nd class people since he doesn’t believe in himself. i.e. there ill be a close-far tango – will get close b/c he wants to yet will also distance since he thinks that it won't work. In other words, I need to be certain about myself in order to be able to fully expose myself in intimate relationship. The low SE person can't accept even his spouses successes, b/c he thinks that it is his failure. Often, he resorts to aggression since he can't tolerate others' successes

The institutionalization of partnership

-there is a ritual to the institutionalization of partner. The rite of passage can be very banal or very formal. Regardless, there is still some sort of ritual.

-our society is very eclectic in what it defines as a family, but the common denominator is what allows stability for the kids.

3 characteristics that can explain attachment b/w people:

1) mutual answer of call of needs -since life is give and take, the transactional model says that there is room for a relationship. If it is a one sided relationship, then the relationship breaks up. So at first we need to name our own needs. We also need to help partner name his/her needs. We have to ask ourselves; are we the right address for this person?

2) multi-sense positive stimulation: our partner will stimulate us is positive ways.

3) time factor: things change with time. You won't come to a well-rounded conclusion in first meetings.

-time makes affect more positive. Intimacy develops with time.

-with time, were are more familiar with person and familiarity breeds positive affect

By the way

-Men are more independent-orientated vs. women who tend to show more togetherness. Paradox: men get more out of relationship: they get more stability vs. women who pay heavy price for the togetherness.

-there are different forces – until 40, men spend a lot of time outside the family and after 40, want to be more homey. Women, until age 40, want to spend their energy building the family. After age 40, the women tend to try to go out of the home after they have built the family

What builds a relationship?

1) you need to adapt to new situation, new responsibility

àyou got to accept new role

2)understanding what the relationship means

3)you have to know the family of origin – to asks questions like how much you let that family into your new family. (cross-generational borders)

àgood partnership is differentiation – I am my own person so relate to me as one. I am not dependent on others

Scarf:

• some want total separation w/I the relationship
• others want total togetherness in relationship

-they are at extreme b/w intimacy and autonomy. Best is in the middle b/c that allows for personal growths.

-when one side has a weak ego, he seen in the relationship as an ego supporter. So on one hand, he is dependent on the relationship, on the other hand, he is enmeshed into it.

Sager: at first year of relationship, there is a play of setting the boundaries. There is a below-the-surface expectation coordination. (also learn each other's weakness/strength and how it can be used.)

Another thing learnt: there is a difference b/c what is necessary and what is voluntary. Thus when we can tell where everything comes from (what motive –necessity or voluntary) we can appreciate relationship more

Roles

3 central trends in roles in relationships:

1) symmetrical – both do everything – they believe in equality. No role differentiation b/w man and women.

2) supplementary: we have our own yet complementing roles.

3)parallel: everyone has his own territory and there is the grey area where they switch roles according to need

-there is no better or worse- the question is how they function.

Problem: when someone wants to switch role trend (i.e. husband wants to start studying, so the roles have to switch in the family), there may be some friction

Class 4/11/06

Question: how important is it to come into a relationship in a differentiated way?

Answer: -scarf's article

-when people are undifferentiated, they need an alter-ego –someone who will tell him what to do. Then there is a paradoxical symbiosis, yet also distance. Can't be with or without the person. Can't be too close b/c its chocking, yet too far = I am too empty

Erik Fromm: if you don't like yourself, you'll have a hard time loving others

-in any marital relationship, there is something that is wrong [not to

• run away from home [and trade one home with one problem for another home that usually has same problem] – this usually happens at low ages of marriages and now young person has to deal with issues of an older stage in live
• unplanned pregnancy – have parental system b/f spousal system had time to develop – they didn't have time to grow together. You need time to develop the partnership /w adding another family member
• mercy/empathy: some people marry out of mercy [i.e. shnat sherut girl marry a person she dealt with] – problem: you can't see what he can give you. There is a asymmetry which wears out the person. The relation is not give-and-take, so you'll wear out. There is a overwhelming emotion and no intellect to counter-balance it. Virginia satire: Love: intense emotion which allows him to achieve his potential ìäâùéí, to feel empathy t/w and from partner. To give w/o feeling a victim
• marriage after a disaster: i.e. after divorce/loss, there is an expectancy to return to a known frame. Problem: you expect the partner to be just like the old one. It shouldn't be a "new chapter" but a "new book" – you need to grieve and have closure to the old relationship. Can't put memories aside àthey'll come back. Instead you have to process them

love myths:

1. the partner will change after the marriage àwrong! Firstly, they might not want to or don't know how àyou can't rely in it.
2. "if you love me, then excite me" à problem: when husband comes home from work he is tired, but she tries to dominate him in some ways, sometimes through sweet-talk or other ways. Main idea: it is wrong to think that only way to love is to do things for me. Alternative: if you love me, you must know beforehand what I want w/o me having to say it. No! you gotta learn their way of thinking, and even then it is not a 100% science
3. Disagreement = no love. Wrong! You don't have to agree with everything your loved one says
4. Disagreements are solved in bed. Wrong! Doesn't solve the problem! Often problems also start there. Physical contact is secondary to the emotional and not vise versa. People go for the sex without being emotionally ready for such a deep relationship
5. you don't need to invest in partnership. Wrong! The regularity wears out the relationship
6. partner is supposed to be the sole person to have fun with. Wrong! There are some things that are uniquely one partners

Miriam dishon-berkovitz: investigated personality relationship to family satisfaction. Her findings: people choose same values over same personality characteristics. In short, family satisfaction has more to do with values and less with personality characteristics

Scarf: actually people look for either same characteristics or reciprocal characteristics

-i.e. dominant look for childish

-others look for specific characteristics [i.e. old people look for friendship partners]

Mcgoldrick: women tend to get delighted by the relationship while the men feel it is a hindering thing. Turns out that at least in the beginning, man benefits/women loses out. There still is a roles thing – men are functional whereas women are expressionist. But today, there is some change and now roles are less rigid

-when women take on the "wife" role, families tend to b/c more stable.

-violence of men often happens in patriarchal ways of thinking, where women are supposed to listen –and suddenly, they're faced with a woman who is not as weak/less dominated by others. The men are less expressive, and they have stereotypes that men are supposed to dictate the stuff. They think that they get their power/being through authority. Why do women stay: Pygmalion affect: the women internalize the labels that the abusive man says about her. She might also hope that this will change/low SE/for kids/economic reasons

-it doesn't matter which way of life the partners take. What is important is that there is a balance and it works!

Class 11/12/06

-on the choosing partner issue: we start the relationship coldly

Bergman – relationship is revealing my weakness and being contained. In beginning, there may be fear of not being contained after revealing weak sides. With time, people b/c more fixated in their regularities

-the relationship takes time. But when were are always testing and being tested [i.e. giving marks based on failure/success]. When you give marks to others, yet she is not a failure – she just doesn't fit to me. So malsow's scale is subjective – different people find security in different ways.

Intimate communication

-The Rambam realizes that all animals communicates but states that human communication is different because man also speaks. This makes man unique in his ability to communicate

-media [communication] socializes

-why do w have personal space – so we can see the non-verbal cues. The average is 1.20m so that we can see all of body. Also, we're too overwhelmed by [irrelevant] cues and stimuli

-we increase or decrease distance b/w people to say something. [comforting vs. distance]

-we have tendency to read into non-verbal cues – we get confused if there is a dissonance b/w verbal and non-verbal

-body language helps let out emotional energy caught up inside [whether good or bad emotions

solomon

• Liner model of communication
• Messengeràmessageàdestination

• Circular model of communication
• Messengeràmessageàdestination àfeedback to messenger

• Spiral model-Dance: communication is spiral
• Messengeràmessageàdestination àfeedback to messengeràmessageàetc….

Problem w/ non-verbal communication

-it is encoded into the word:

Messageàencodingàmediumàcontext

-sometimes we choose a medium that doesn't reveal emotions [phone]. Sometimes we choose contexts that make it easier or harder to reveal our emotions.

Class 18/12/06

class canceled because of Chanukah

Class 25/12/06

Solomon: communication is more of attaching a meaning to things rather than saying things. It is more than just communicating info. For example: husband comes home and first thing he said is there is smell of chicken soup. Wife can react:

• fuck you too
• I made it for you
• What do you mean?

Virginia Satir: communication has to be clear

The 3^rd option is best since communication needs to be clear and if a statement is not clear [i.e. smells of soup] then instead of attaching automatic meaning, I can ask what is meant.

-many communicative b/h are contextual – how I speak to friends is different than when I am w/ spouse. We wear different masks at different masks! We fit ourselves to different situations.

-we need congruence b/w verbal and non-verbal communication. Everyone picks it up. We as SW want to understand what is behind them.

-we as SW need to be aware of our own non-verbal communication. First thing is eye contact. Our non-verbal communication could either make or break therapy. We have to see what is really said and not the external content of the words. When you see someone who is angry, do relate to what he’s really saying

3 dimensions

1. what do I think about the message
2. What do I think about the message receiver
3. What do I think about myself

-we need to be aware of our verbal communication. If not, the message won’t come across as we wanted. Communication is the glue/strengths b/w people. Bad communication is not clear/not comfortable/disallowing [Satir]

2 other theoreticians

Varginia satir: 4 kinds of communication in family

-we have to remember that things are not clear-cut, black and white. Those are just basic categories that are inter-mixed in person

1. intellectual, but emotionally, a bit cold
2. appeaser – scared of fights –will try to make sure everyone comfortable. Those people can’t deal w/ aggression/anger
3. the blamer – always complaining. Something is always wrong. They are also the victim [subjectively] –try to induce guilt
4. the distorter/îèùèù – someone who distorts situation to avoid unwanted things – i.e. doesn’t want to deal w/ aggressions, so instead of appeasing, he distorts – i.e. when parents fights, he changes subject

-satir: the best way is to integrate b/w them. Not good to rely on one tactic

Bern there are 3 forms of family communications

1. kid – narcissism
2. adult - judgment
3. parent –support/leadership

for example

-a 3 year old can communicate in parent style by speaking parent-like to a younger sibling

-sometimes, we as adults also need regression to be kids ourselves

3 Advice:

1. avoid generalizations
2. avoid dichotomy thinking
3. don’t be scared of conflict – we can learn a lot about it. We should deal w/ conflict not in order to compound conflicts but to resolve them. We need to translate conflicts into motivating needs.
4. also go on emotional – not only intellectual

-communication need to allow for emotion too – but not taking over everything

next class – assertive communication

Class 1/1/07

Assertive communication

Alberto&Emmons (1974) assertive thinking is:

• act according to my goals
• standing up for rights w/o guilt
• Expressing my emotions honestly w/o harming others

-assertiveness allows people to do my goals and believe in them [but w/o hurting the other]

-men tend to be factual while women tend to be more emotional/contextual when communicating

Kinds of communication

• Assertive
• Aggressive
• Passive
• Passive/aggressive

-assumption of assertiveness – I have room and the other has room. Lets get a compromise/fid a solution

-assumption of aggression: life is a war.

Muuss: speaks about family climate

-tries to reduce aggression and increase assertiveness

-study – up to 8, the kid accepts parents’ views. From age 8 the kid starts saying is own things/having own opinions – sometimes the kid is aggressive about it.

-there is a correlation b/w assertiveness and SE. lower SE usually means less SE. they think that they have less right to their opinion.

another factor is assertive communication

• is how to start/end a conversation

-i.e. not being scared of ending the conversation – for example, by not closing doors –“I’ll call you later”

• knowing how to accept a compliment – not canceling or over-pride [no over-evaluation/devaluation]
• ability to accept criticism. [note: marks is kind of a criticism]
• the ability to give criticism
• right to privacy – i.e. not being embarrassed to closed doors/not wanting to speak about things àallowing myself to have my space/placing borders
• ability to say no/refuse
• the ability to offer help [fear of being criticized for my help] – my help is not worthy
• the ability to ask for help
• ability to express positive/negative feelings
• the ability to stand up for my rights
• giving myself space to make mistakes
• starting sentences with “I think/I want”
• ability to stick to the issue and not overflow to other things
• not canceling the other – seeing the person with all of his components

Why do SW need assertiveness?

-so we won’t flow into aggressiveness – it allows the client space too

-best helps advance the situation

-sometimes assertiveness can be expressed as cost-vs.-benefit – what is best to do now? àI have to choose my words

-there is an approach called “provocation”/”confrontation” àkick-start a process by provocatively bring up something

-sometimes, you need to take space [when you’re overwhelmed] – perhaps wait with the talking over something

-Next class: roles/conflict

Class 8/11/08

Roles and conflicts

-in a system, there are inputs [i.e. resources], systems and sub-systems. The family uses malsow as needs.

-within the family system, there is a sharing of inputs – each gives Maslow inputs [needs] to others in the family. Each person has roles: supplying one else in the family with something

-there needs to be clear hierarchical system parents vs. kids

-there needs to be a coalition b/w spouse even b/f they are parents. This is necessary for functional parenting. Really, parenting is shaped b/f the couple b/c parents.

-Each person in the system has a role. For example, women are expected to be more expressive/keeping of the peace. [in the past, this was even more dichotomy]

àtoday men are more active in expressive things and women are more instrumental than in the past

àtoday, people can get confused as to what is expected of them

-since you can’t prepare for marriage roles, since today, they’re flexible, it is important to communicate b/f hand and spell out role expectations – especially since they are not fixed. In the past, the couple relationship was built on external pressures.

Bergman – 1994

-speaks about parenting roles in he family systems

-one of parent’s roles in to socialize.

àso parents have to give kid sense of security. So he must be careful to criticize w/o degrading

àdegradation seemed to stay in personality if done to kid until latency period

-gestalt psychology said that this kid is not a complete person since some of him is broken, and this will come out, despite denial/repression of this feeling

-another socializing thing: privacy: not only in when kid is in the washroom, but also some things are only his and must be respected. This helps kid build his ego and sets the stage for separation-individuation

Parents must show kids:

• Authoritative: kid need to deal with people w/ power. This must be balanced with kid’s individualness

-vs. aggressive

-open communication: parents need to give room to kids’ situation/feelings/needs

àyou can [should] be assertive, but in a logical way. [i.e. explain to the kid the logic behind this].

-There also needs to be unity in the educational needs

àarguments b/w parents are legitimate but not in front of the kids

Parents must give: basic rights unconditionally

• Food
• Same place
• Human respect/dignity

-berman speaks about finding the middle path

3 pathological kids of kids/berman

1. parental kid – does things that are in the realm of the parents p[b/c it suits the parents] – in this case, the kid loses his childhood àparent is not really there
2. servant kid: serves the parent – parent gives the kid tasks beyond the expectations àparents are there, but there is an overemphasis on authoritarian parenting. Kid looses out by not being able to do all of the things he really needs to do
3. extension [ùìéç] child – he does what the parents always wanted to be but didn’t. a variant is the courier kid – sends messages /w parents
4. conflict kid: the kid acts out the parent’s conflict

• double bind: conflicting things that are contradictory ÷ùø ëôåì- -contradictory wants of the parents
• double message: conflicting messages

Virginia Satir:

• leader – the kid knows that the parents are leaders – show the way. This gives him the security, and he knows that someone will give him his needs
• educator/socializer: helps the kid deal w/ life
• being the kid’s friend: there is a diff b/w authoritative and authoritarian. The kid also needs the loser kinds of parents

-this resonates of the kid’s physiological/social/emotional needs

Roles

Question: what are roles?

Answer:

Definition:

• spigel: a chain of actions t/w a goal. It is created by the culture of a certain family or social context. This depends on the person’s society/culture. Each role has a complementary role. It also has expectations attached to it.
• Chains of actions: being a parent means you’re a leader/socializer/etc… this is many actions. And it is flexible. A parent acts diff. with the kid in different contexts. Sometimes, a parent might emphasize more socializer, other times more leader, and at other times, a friend component of the parent role. So also culture, but also situation dictates the role. So the 2 elements are:
• Culture
• Situations

• complimentary roles: interactional models speak when both people in relationship get something ‘missing’ in them

4 types of roles:

1. achievement role: I was not born w/ it but I achieve it
2. relational role: úô÷éã ùéåëé -you’re born into it – i.e. kid

-so b/c a husband is achievement role, but being a parent is relational – once you’re a parent, you can’t escape it

3. adopted role: a role taken onto himself, /c if not, family won’t function.

à i.e. parental kid.

àbut if you adopt a role that you don’t like [i.e. necessary vs. voluntary, as we saw earlier] then you’ll get burnt out

4. estimated role: not a consistent role – it is temporary [i.e. dr. babytalking to adult patient as a way to deal with his own helplessness as the patient is old]. Estimated roles serve a purpose. It has many kinds of escape exits. This kind of role is an “as-is” role in order to dal with a specific situation

conflicts:

-conflicts happen in all of families and we don’t need to get anxious about this. There is always tension around. The tension come up from situations or from life hassles

àlife hassles is also a usual stress too, i.e. dealing w/ going to work and dropping off the kid at school

But: we need to identify the components of the conflict.

-conflicts are only a problem when they get out of hand.

Weingarten/leas: there is a continuum of 5 types of conflict perception by the sides: the extreme and middle ones are:

1. war: when there is a conflict, it is seen as a duel/bloody
2. competition: we’re not gonna split, but who is worth more
3. conflict as a problem to be solved: the conflict is basis for possible mutual growth

-we’re not talking here about daily stresses, but rather conflicts of a more essential nature [doronwend]

-next class: we’ll speak about conflicts/solving the conflicts

Class 15/1/2005

-as long as partners are not seeing conflicts as issues that are to be solved/growth, then all attempt to rectify the conflict will be futile

-today we’ll speak about:

• conflicts
• families in stress
• dysfunctional families
• handicapped kids
• black sheep
• myths

conflicts

-just b/c families need Maslow, it doesn’t mean it will come and this leads to stress. But here we’re going to speak about other kinds of conflict: lack of fit:

Model of factors of conflict/resolution-spiegel

-solving is not the issue here – dealing with it is a better term, since conflict is not a mathematical formula

Conflicts could come from:

• lack of existential or purpose congruence [macro]
• expectations [more micro]
• lack of knowledge: i.e. if husband wants to do something and does it with lack of knowledge, wife might get mad
• cultural/value differences
• instrumental: based on lack of energy/time –i.e. the person wants to do so many things at once
• ä÷öòúé: the roles which were defined to the person are now causing conflicts right now.

Resolution:

One sided solutions: usually don’t work, but they do give a small break

• Passivity
• Coercion - ëôééä
• distortion
• evaluation [i.e. you are a ABC]
• personality

2-sided solution – we also have conflicts within us

• humor – if it is one-sided, it is dangerous
• surrounding a third party – i.e. a kid is sick – when the kid is better, then the conflict returns
• the black sheep/identified client

-if you don’t deal with the emotions, then it eventually comes out in an explosion

Handicapped issues

-usually associated with a kid born that way, but it could happen also mid-life – after a while/after marriage, i.e. dementia

-diagnosing a child as handicapped, is a huge balance-breaker in the family

3 kinds of Maslow

1. physical – i.e. less sleep
2. emotional – shame [in some cultures, they even blame the wife] – frustrated attachment. The containing of the child is not satisfying to the mom as well.
3. social – it is harder to deal with social outings/shamed to go with the kid/less trusting the babysitters

-there is a gap b/w expectations and handicapped kid. Parent may feel shame/guilt/denial/shock

3 kinds of îùáøéí:

1. change conflict: this is trauma experience and the reactions are likewise based on trauma
2. value conflict culture expects us to love kid unconditionally, and this is hard w/ handicapped kid. The question comes up: what happens when I am not going to be around
3. reality problems: accepting problem, but dealing with the practical element of dealing with the handicapped kid [this is first stage of adaptation]

Olshansky: the parallels b/w bereavement and birth of handicapped kid is not a correct parallel

Main point of teacher: hard to judge parents, whatever they do

Black sheep

-family unifies around a weak link. When conflicts don’t get verbalized, then they come out in other ways. One way to do so is to project it to certain other person [i.e. displacement]. So the black sheep is the glue of the family. Families create a black sheep in order to distort conflicts which threaten their existence. It could be a husband/child/mother-in-law. It could involve pathological/trans-generational dyads. The black sheep is not based necessarily on being weak, but could also be based on birth order/birth timing/etc… sometimes, child’s characteristics could create the role [over-smart/dull]. The kid could either adopt or reject the role, but it is a catch-22: if he accepts role, he b/c back sheep and if he doesn’t then he’s the rebel [i.e. black sheep]

-parental rigidity is consistant here [and rigidity =anxiety]

Myths

-those myths maintain the family [one of them is the black sheep] – but it could also be a secret, that if we speak about it, the family will collapse [i.e. talking about mom’s divorced past could threaten the current family]

-myths could also be in a positive light [we do everything together/we are the off-shouts of ABC]

-most of course, we spoke of functional family. In dysfunctional families is the negation of this: closed communication/rigid borders/intergenerational crossing/family structure is threatened/conflict resolution is not good/no feedback for good or bad thing/over-intimacy or over-autonomy

àsuch cases are related to physiological symptomology of family member. Physical pathology, as seen often in Eating Disorder and hyperactive problems are linked to dysfunctional families

End of course!!!